eight minutes

is how long I have before my scheduled study break ends.

my first month here on the island was spent in total uncertainty. i took a step into a cold river and wondered if i wanted to go for a swim. where do i live? where is the school, and where is the grocery store? what am i doing here in this strange place where the streets are narrow and everyone dresses like it's fall?

attrition is a very real thing, i'm sure in canadian medical schools too, but moreso here when everyone who comes here gives up so much. not only the people and places that we love, but banks that open past 2pm and ATMs. soon the uncertainty extended to, who is next. and it's still here, and it's going to be here for 19 more months. i wondered a lot in the first month if I would be swallowed up with uncertainty and be home before the end of term.

truthfully i haven't had much trouble adjusting. the overwhelming feeling i had living at home was a sense of solitude and it's not very different feeling it in a different place. the grocery stores are the same size, it takes the same amount of travel time to reach anywhere and the bugs aren't as bad as in guelph.

i was so so so unsure about how well i was doing, if i liked it, if i would be here, if i could make it through the first half of medical school on the island as so many don't. so unsure until the first set of exams came two weeks ago.

my most real fear was that i couldn't measure up. i can't remember the last time i've actually applied myself in school for whatever reason, and i was so afraid that i wouldn't have the aptitude as a student required to get through. caribbean students are disadvantaged in many ways, and as a result we have to work harder faster and smarter than others to get the same treatment. until the first set of exams.

i got the highest mark in my class for anatomy and 0.4 short of a 90 in histology. here, As are above 90 and below 70 is a fail. i have never in my life pictured myself as a straight a student, and always imagined that i would have to sacrifice so much of who i am to become that person. i guess in a way i have

its so so so silly to base so much of your beliefs on what your grades are, just for one test. but for me that was a sign that i really do have what it takes to make it through to the very end. it won't be easy but i know now i can do it.

i'll see you all in 19 months.